A Loss of a Partner
February 15, 2007

The thing about divorce is that you can never really know. You may sense they are coming, the fighting, the distance, but you still feel surprised. Or I would imagine so. I would think that no matter what happens in the middle, the fact that there is now an end is a surprise. Because you would have never started the partnership thinking it could end.

You never know what the result of the split will be either. You can anticipate the reaction by the other party and even dream of your life post. Knowing that the status quo is not how you want it. But you can never really know what the fall out will bring. How people will react. How the situation will be handled. Will it be all business? Acting strictly according to guidelines. This is yours, this is mine, and we will sell this. All nonchalant and proper. Or will the emotions get involved? The water in the eyes seen when the news is announced. Will you let that get the better of you? And what emotion will surface to the front? Anger, for the deceitfulness and the decision to leave? Hatred, for the hurt that the separation will cause? Sadness, for the loss? Ache, for the memories of the good that was and what could have been in the future? We just don't know what reaction we will get. Or what emotions will be stirred in the pot of seperation. What if there is no reaction. Do you wonder, if no emotion is displayed, was it the right decision n the first place? Were we meant to part ways after all? Or is that even the reason for the loss?

You just really never can tell. They may have been able to glean ideas and make decisions about the consequences. But you can never know for certain. That is how it always is when making a decision, especially one with known consequences. Knowing that some consequences already exist, it is often impossible to know for certain all the rest of them. You get lost in the ones you know, losing the idea that more can exist. Ones you cannot adquately prepare for. Ones you cannot properly assess their risk and reactions. As lawyers we spend time and money doing it. We try to anticipate every scenario and a planned response to such. We are paid to. But there are curve balls. And when emotions and real people are involved those are 90 mile per hour fast balls. Truly difficult to handle as you can just never know what the true actions will be in a situation. That is until you are there. And then it is too late. Then you are reacting and there is no time left for the plans and preparations. The ones you made are long gone, with an understanding that you never really knew and never prepared adequately. Despite how much you think you did. Because you never can really know.

You don't know that you will have to part ways with people, really possibly several people. That there will be issues with money. That there is uncertainty about the future, for everyone. That we are on edge. We feel bad about ourselves and question every action and decision. That we are left wondering why and for how long was this coming. Who knew and when. You can't really know any of it. So we are the ones left wondering. Scared, confused, alone and sad, and wondering. You just never know that. Isn't that what makes it so hard? Or do we even know?


Blogger JustRun said:

This is really interesting to read for me right now because I have a friend going through a divorce and it's strange how, from the outside looking in, those stages are so obvious. They are the normal stages of grief, I think and from the perspetives of both my friend and the person he's divorcing, you can see each of them moving through those stages. Just as you said, it's obvious in the actions, the reactions, or lack of either. So interesting, EB. Well written, which is tough on such a subjective process ( I don't know, but I think no two divorces are alike).

8:04 AM 

Blogger brookem said:

Very interesting. It had a Merideth Grey-voiceover-feel too it.

8:20 AM 

Blogger e.b. said:

JR: Thanks - I would imagine divorce to be subjective and impossible to nail down in terms of understanding or learning how to cope and to me that may come from the inability to understand and predict.

brookem: again, thanks, I take it as a compliment the whole Meredith Grey thing.

10:05 AM 

Blogger brookem said:

you should TOTALLY take it as a compliment. your writing is amazing. and get ready for tonight's show. better not be as much gore!

10:38 AM 

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