Feeling Friendless
October 11, 2006

My co-workers are talking babies. This makes good sense since they either have them or are pregnant with them. They are talking clothing, cute dresses with duckies for girls and whether they dress or will dress their boys in preppy cute clothes and suits and ties. They all have boys. Everyone of them, even those unborn yet. Even those that have since left the firm. Everyone has given birth to a boy. Another reason to leave, a girl would be nice and this place is cursed. Boys or bust. What is strange is the conversation is not that odd. Maybe it is all the talk that has permeated our environment for months and months, but I never thought I was there with the babies, the booties and gender preferences. Now it strikes me as totally normal. It is a welcome change from shop talk, but heck there are a thousand other topics that are as well. The weather, politics, even last night's episode of Dancing with the Stars. Anything could have done, but today it was babies. And today I didn't seem to mind one bit. Maybe I am growing or maybe that infamous clock is actually ticking.

Yet, I am not even married. Scratch that, not even engaged. We don't even live together....yet. There is talk about all of it. But it is not what our present is about. Not our immediate present, anyway. I do not know anyone who is getting married. None of my girlfriends are even in flipping relationships. They are all S-I-N-G-L-E. (Almost) every single one of them. Save for dear A, out there is L.A., who prays nightly for a ring. (Whole other can 'o worms.......)

This is why baby talk is seemingly okay. It is the closest thing I get to relationship talks these days. No one wants to hear about mine. Good, bad or indifferent. They don't ask and don't want to hear why I am upset about an argument over directions or cleaning up his socks. It is too mundane. It is so not their life. I tend to believe there is an aspect of jealousy and resentment. Not in the bad way or in the "I hate you" way. But just what happens with girls when their friends are in relationships. I have been on that end of it. Trust me. Nothing about hate or even me. I don't take it personally. Yet it means that there is no conversation about the daily life of a girl in a relationship.

Forget what happens if there is an engagement or even a wedding to plan. I am beginning to dread it. That is not something I want to go at alone. I want friends there with me when I try on 57 ugly dresses. I want them to help me pick out flower colors and decide which invitations work. Yes, yes I know my real friends will be delighted to lend a hand and help out. They are my true friends after all and most have been for several years and decades even. But how can they just be there for the party and the hoop la? Where are they for the every day blahs? Wednesdays always bring blahs. They should be here for that. Does it only count when there is a white dress and diamonds? Or even then will my conversations only be limited to planning details?

I just feel this absence. It is glorified because of the relationship. But it has been there before he was here. I was new to a city and needed to make friends. But I didn't really. I have always had them, friends that is. They have surrounded me. For years I had only girlfriends, gaggles of them. I was generally man-less and could always count on those ladies to fill my days and nights. Movies, sun tanning, tv shows, manicures, coffees, wine, breakfasts, lunch and dinner. That was what made me. It defined my high school existence, so much so that I am still in good touch with them. It got me through law school like none other. A stressed out law student needs someone they can watch 7 episodes of 90210 back to back with while in their pyjamas. I got none of that going for me right now. Work, geography and the boyf all factor in. But it is because of what I use to have and what I know to be a girlfriend, that I miss it that much more. I want all of those goofy good times and I want it to be with someone I can embrace all the details of my relationship with.

I need a girlfriend I can be in love with the same way I am in love with Magoo. Okay, don't be immature and silly. Clearly not the same way. But I want to love my friends, really be in love with them, the way I am use to. It would also help with Magoo. He would not bear the brunt of everything. There would be a sounding board and a voice of reason, so that I would not burst out at him over everything. Overall, good friends are a good asset, for all parties involved.

This is why I sit silently and pick at the lettuce leaves of my salad as Christenings are discussed. I throw in the appropriate questions when necessary and laugh and smile at the jokes and pictures of their little buggers. God knows when I have a little girl, I know I will want that too.

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