Today is the day of atonement. I am supposed to spend the day reflecting on the sins of the past year, ask for them to be forgiven and pray that I am written in the book of life for the coming year. However, God had different plans. He sent me some awe-inspiring cramps. I do honestly believe these are his doing. So rather then stand in formal clothes and reflect, I am at home with Advil, Midol and holding my stomach (I like the heat from my own hands to help my battered uterus).
Being at home does not feel the same. There is not that severity that helps remind me that I am atoning, praying and reflecting. Plus, I ate. I had to, otherwise the pain would be worse, with the meds hitting my empty stomach. I know that fasts are allowed to be broken for medical reasons. To me this was a decent medical reason. Cramps suck. Sorry to be all girly, but they are mean. So I am at home. I took the time to do some cleaning and catching up. Which I find refreshing and inline with the looking forward. But I still feel that I need to reflect.
I find that my propensity to gossip is a flaw and it is considered frowned upon by society and by religion. It can be hurtful. I know this well and would dread hearing that people have gossiped about me. It is obvious what this means. It is unnecessary and I often do it as if it were information I read online about Angelina Jolie. This is someone's life and it is not there for my entertainment or for a good story.
Along those lines, I am sure I mock and jeer. I probably also judge. All of these seems to fit together. Generally these occur not out of a mean spirit, but because I do not think about information or people's decisions as their life necessarily. I am merely an observer and commentator. But this is someone's life. It is unfair. It is mean.
I also feel I covet, perhaps in a jealous way. I envy people and their things. My friends ability to lose weight and how good she looks. I wish I had more money and have envy for those who do. This extends to those with things I covet, like cars, purses and houses. Petty and superficial but there has been a level of want. I wish I was a better writer and envy people's ability to utilize good diction and be creative. It is even as simple as I wish I was a better yogi. I wanted more flexibility and better poses. I really envy those with jobs they enjoy and thrive in. I yearn for that and feel myself in a deep, drooling state of envy.
Sometimes I have impure thoughts. I definitely think about smex with others. I think that is healthy. But still a sin, right?
I need to go back to lying down as God continues to punish me. This must be his way of getting me to reflect while not actually amongst the other Hebs.
I need to do a post like this.
But I'm afraid of what it would look like.
Those were only the ones I really want to admit to. It hurts to think beyond them! Or display them publicly.