Fart Queen and Other Princess Stories - Year End Review
December 20, 2006

Here they asked for it - so why not incorporate it into those year end reviews and predictions. I never intended to do one for a slew of reasons. Who wants to think about where they have failed or sucked? What good does it do to make the same resolutions year after year and realize you never get there? Those qualities may be a part of me and trying to change them makes me unhappy, grumpy and frustrated. I can't quite get there and then I hate myself for who I am. No thank you. Plus, like Valentine's Day or Mother's Day, isn't it better to be continuously aware of goals and progress? Rather than reserving one day and forgetting about it all by sayJanuary 21? I took some mental notes here, back in October. It is not to say that those ruminations are not done regularly or even when forced upon me by my religion, sometime in the fall months. So I was planning on saying fuck it. But then I read this and was standing in shower laughing and decided to give it a go. This resolution is not based on bullet points of to-do's, it is based on a problem that to fix can touch on many of the cliched resolutions; stress, diet, and exercise.

This resolution is to FART less.

Yes, you read that correctly. And yes, I am absolutely serious.

I am built like an old man and can makes sounds like a duck. A loud honkin' duck. A percentage of the time the odor is somewhere between rotten eggs and day old broccoli. Other times it is like vodka; odorless. Fortunately. It is just LOUD and unbecoming of anyone. But especially of a prissy girl like myself who dons dresses, heals, pearls, and wears make up everyday. I fancy expensive shoes and high thread count. So it is especially surprising this is also one of my trade marks.

That is why it is bothersome. I feel awful. I understand, from time to time, people experience gas and bloating. It explains gas-x commercials and a whole row at CVS devoted to treatment of such. But this is above and beyond. At least I am pretty sure. We generally keep tales of such tucked neatly behind our pocket doors and disguise such noises with coughs and toilets flushing. But I am going to assume that mine is wore then most. So I vow to treat it properly this year. It has grown worse, substantially worse, over the past several years. I fear it will just get worse. And what about one day when I am preggers. We already know pregnant ladies are gassy. I may cause an explosion. So instread of it escalating and growing - I will address it. Head on. Or whatever.

This means a change in diet. It has to. I doubt the morning Starbucks or the afternoon can of Diet Coke help. These are gassy and indigestion inducing. They are hard on our stomachs and contain unnatural sweeteners, which I have to believe wreak holey havoc on our intestines. This one is going to be hard, because I am not going to be unrealistic here. Cutting out caffeine is impossible. I am asking for less gas, not to die. I can promise to consume less. I have already begun to faze in tea, as an enjoyable substitute, done in response to article read two months ago. See, constantly evaluating and considering my life, not just on January 1's.

This means a change in life style. Here is where the ubiquitous - I need to exercise more comes in. Well I probably do. Who doesn't really? And in that category I could stand to lose ten more pounds. Same question. As we know the two go merrily hand in hand. But as my gas goes, I think these solutions will both help the larger problem. While I would love nothing more then to get rid of the jiggle in my wiggle, getting rid of the farts is the priority here. I can say this was less of an issue several years ago when I was not supporting the extra lb's. So deductive reasoning says, take the pounds off, the gas may be gone as well. This means keeping up with the cardio two to three times a week. I enjoy the yoga classes, but those tend to aggravate the stomach condition. There is something about the up and down of the aerobic activity that feels effective and actually helps my stomach. Or so I think in my head. And if my self-diagnosis of getting rid of gas involves a more routine exercise regime, I think I am in good shape. Well not good shape physically, but you get it.

This also means a change in overall diet. Healthy, hearty eating will help alleviate the pounds. Less weight - less gas. Or so I have diagnosed. It also means less stomach upsets, a good source of gassy lassy status. I am fairly certain that pizza and french fries are not the best for the stomach. Grease is not my friend. Hell, grease is nobodies friend. Then there is the cheese. I heart cheese. When I was little I dreamt of cheese villages where people lived in wonderful bliss. American, Swiss, blue, cheddar, goat, stinky, yellow, green. I will eat it all. I know my body cannot handle milk. That was an easy one to eliminate and a quick remedy to preventing some serious bathroom crises. So, (again using that deductive reasoning) I should not be eating cheese either. But I do. Cuz I heart cheese. I said it twice, because it is just that good. So this, like coffee will be really hard to let go of. But, I will eat less. Moderation has to help. It will aid the diet plan as well. A whole package.

This means I have to work on stress management. I get anxious, nervous and overwhelmed, and I feel it in my stomach. Yes, in that way we all do. But the bloating increases too. And we know what bloating means; more gas. Better stress management has to ease the blow to my stomach. This too is muy difficult. Lawyers become such because they are stressful people. We give and receive stress like they are birthday presents. It is not something that is going away. Not unless I quit my job. But I sense stress may come when my loans and mortgage are due. That is why management is the key here. Deep breathing, those yoga classes, writing, and even exercise help to control the stress. That and a shot of whiskey and a Valium. But lets take it one step at a time and try to keep perspective and not become uncontrollably anxious and stressful, especially over items that are beyond my control or that don't require stress. Like what to wear to work. A daily battle spent on the floor of my closet with cries like, "I have no clothes." Those distress signals sent from a pile of clothing, can be eliminated. Leading to a less anxious and less stressful existence. And hopefully less gas.

This means seeking professional help. Yeah that is where the Valium comes in. No, not that kind of help. At least not yet. I mean a primary care physician, a gastroenterologist, or even an acupuncturist. I have been to the PCP and she gave me some awesome medicine. It alleviated the bloating and made me feel like my slimmer, shinier self. It did not relieve the overall problem, or, my guess, the cause of the problem. It also created a whole new problem. But enough time has been spent on toilet talk, that I will not go into detail. She did say that she sees a ton of similar aged women who have the same issue. I guess we can call it IBS, I just think mine is a slight permutation. And like all syndromes, it may not really exist. After all, it is not a disease. So instead I can consider the alterna-medicine approach; acupuncture. Relieving the pressure through needles, may help alleviate the bloating as well. Just a thought. Who knows? Can't hurt and definitely something I have been considering for a few months. So my guess is the final stop would be a GI doc. He will stick a tube down my esophagus and/or run a slew of tests. That scares the shit out of me. Literally, it causes stress and gas. Oh god I can feel the bloat rising. That is my last, last option if the above fail. So final an option that we may see that in resolution guide in 2010. For now have a Happy New Year. Faaaaaart!

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Anonymous Ashish Mohta said:

LMAO!! Please dont mind but iu cracked me all the time reading.I didnt knew someone can write so hinestly about oneself.

I too had similar problem when i was college i was nicknamed "ANYTIME BOMB" and "THE FATING MACHINE" o god it was so bad.But then i changed my diet and all.I am fine now lol.

I also got entry in darrens project.

And i am feeding your blog.There wont be another chance to meet so many bloggers

5:39 AM 

Blogger Accidentally Me said:

You know...that is an admirable goal.

Honestly, it is probably just the cheese. If milk wrecks your stomach, then the cheese is likely causing the gas. You could be lactose intolerant to some degree, which leads to gas.

6:56 AM 

Blogger e.b. said:

Sorry if it was too "personal"....but it is a fact of life, right? I think the cheese and other diary products (yogurt) are a huge factor. The other "solutions" can't hurt either and are good ideas in general.

7:34 AM 

Anonymous roberta said:

This is a hilarious post! Very funny :) The title definitely drew me to click on your post, funny stuff indeed.

10:29 AM 

Blogger JustRun said:

I guess it's good to fart less if it's causing pain and embarassment. However, the redneck, unpolished side of me takes pride in my farting ability. On a particularly boring run one day (I have some farting issues when I run sometimes) I farted for the entire length of 15 steps. That was one I still tell my friends about! Usually just my farting and/or running friends, though.
Like the new template, by the way. :)

11:01 AM 

Anonymous LearningNerd said:

Hilarious post! And no, I don't think it was too "personal" -- this post definitely stands out in the Problogger writing contest. I'm glad I dropped by. And good luck with your goal! ;)

1:15 PM 

Anonymous tigerfish said:

Hahaha.....there's something called Beano out in the shelves...
There'll BeaNo Gas!

First time entering the Problogger project
May the Force be with you, the Blo-gedi way

1:50 PM 

Blogger e.b. said:

I sort of cringe when I hear the word fart now...which is why I am going to give it a try.

TigerFish: I don't think you fully understand. Bean-o does not appreciate the level of this gas-o.

JustRun: Oh running is the worst, all that shaking! Thanks for the compliment - I can't take credit I am html challenged.

2:12 PM 

Blogger Cute Jewess said:

Great design change! Good luck with the change in lifestyle. And oy, I empathize with your plight!

6:23 PM 

Blogger Mama Duck said:

Ha ha ha ha!! Too cute! We also participated in this project, stop on by if you get a chance!

6:05 AM 

Anonymous roberta said:

I cracked up reading this! :)

9:48 AM 

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