December 05, 2006

I am feeling needy, selfish, whiny and evil. I have been working hard. Hard as the word sounds. To me I deserve stuff, things for that. Not just the money, but the things. It is Christmas time and consumerism abounds. Everything is about buying. So I want. Want, want, want. I want to get my way. And I am feeling whiny and selfish so I think I deserve, deserve, deserve. Now. A foot stomp. My arms crossed. And a "how dare you," look in my eyes. I was raised never to ask for something. You wanted that cabbage patch doll, you needed to wait idly until you did something deserving. Or an occasion; birthdays or Chanukah. But if you were so brazen to ask, then forget about it. You can kiss those baby doll dreams goodbye. Whiny needy girls don't get things that way. A lesson true to so many a thing. Boys don't like whiny needy girls. I am sure your boss has no tolerance either. These girls, they need to work. Well I am working and now damn it I am whiny and needy. I want a shiny car with new tires. Make it red and fast. I want a big house with wood floors. An eat-in kitchen. Counter space. A fence. I want an evening at the 'bucs with caramel apple cider and a laptop. I want to join a gym again and feel the muscles in my legs on the treadmill. I want boots. Black, leather and to my knee. I want to keep whining.

I am going to keep working. So I believe I can keep whining. Whining and needing. Whining and wanting. Working for these things means I can whine for them. Right? I don't take them for granted. I own them. I worked for them. They are my dreams, my wants and I deserve them. Hold on tight, this is where the whiny girl becomes selfish. Stomps her foot again, re-crosses her arms and scowls. They are for me. I don't want to share them. It has come to a point where I am settled. Income flows in regularly. Security in a job. Security in an address and location. Too much time was spent in motion. A summer here, a semester away, a change of address. Loans, money, insufficient funds, ramen noodles. We are past that. Way, way past that. To a time and place that this is now a memory and not a flashback. This is the beauty, the attraction to this age and time. The thirties are known for it. I craved a time when I was in the same place. At 21 that was my heaven. No more goodbye's. One summer I prayed for it. Little did I know that stability was more stable then ever dreamed. I found it. Don't go throwing it away. I have worked hard to get here. Years, hours, money, time, you name it. Do. Not. Ruin. It. I am only going forward with it. I am moving towards more stability. A higher income. A savings account. IRA. Those are my initials. I can be found there. You want a new address. Fine, if it means a bigger one. Space for a life. A family. Oh and that shiny car. Otherwise, forget about it. You can kiss those baby doll dreams goodbye. I am not the girl for you. I am a whiny needy girl. Who has worked hard. I need more. Not steps backward. Not less. Not confusion. More stability. More, more, more.


Anonymous justrun said:

That's one of my biggest struggles: realizing that we never really "get there." There can always be more to want and need and strive for.

8:35 AM 

Blogger e.b. said:

Though it is nice to look back and see how far we have come as well.

9:16 AM 

Anonymous Beth said:

Based on my current TOTALLY bitter mood, I would just like to say:


11:36 AM 

Blogger Ally said:

If only more stability or happiness came with "more, more, more," then we'd be set. But I guess kind of like any monster, the more we feed our consumeristic tendency, the bigger it gets. Meaning the more we have and buy and earn, the more we want to have and buy and earn. It's sad to see people who make six figures and are struggling to make ends meet because their wants/needs are so intertwined. I'm trying to strike a balance, and I must say that it's pretty liberating to not constantly have a bunch of things I hope to buy. With that being said, I'm constantly thinking about wanting more vacation time to just be. Too bad I can't buy that:)

12:06 PM 

Blogger e.b. said:

It is very hard. It is also hard not to fall into the keeping up with the Jones'. Especially in a 6 figure world. Sometimes the want for consumer things is to make life "easier" or homlier. A bigger kitchen - is for a sense of warmth, family and memories. A girl can survive with less, but is a goal on a number of levels. I think perspective, respect and appreciation all help keep it in check too.

12:32 PM 

Blogger brookem said:

I totally hear you. I'm always wanting... wanting what I don't have, wanting this instead of that, and sometimes, wanting and finding out afterwards, what you wanted wasn't really what you needed, afterall. So, whine all you want- I'm right there with ya!

1:21 PM 

Blogger brookem said:

This comment has been removed by the author.

1:22 PM 

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