Candied Hearts
January 11, 2007

Ginger, I am sad. I say this out loud in my head as we wander around the house, doing pretend cleaning. She looking for missing scraps of food left behind. I am pretending because I am paying someone to do it tomorrow, but for now it keeps my hands busy. I strip down and put on his Simpson's boxers and the t-shirt left on the bed. Wearing them makes me feel girly and comforted. Men's clothing with a faint scent of his deodorant. When I am sad I eat candy. The sourer the better. When it makes your cheeks crinkle and your tongue sore. It is not a part of the diet. Fourteen hundred calories gets eaten up quickly with sugary candy. But he is not here to tell me not to. I love when he tells me not to. I look up at him and smirk. Pretending I hate being told what to do. But in reality I love it. I love the assertiveness and the control. And knowing he is right. Because later I will bitch about my thighs and wonder why I can't lose weight. So I listen when he says no. I just wish he would say it more often. I tell him that and he says, "shut the fuck up." Which I adore and maybe that is why he says it. The power of fuck. I can sense those words and his true favorite command, "pet my head" as I move around here. I hear the echo of his personality left here; his orange juice class on the coffee table and his flip-flops at the door. Gone but a few hours and we have a few days to go, but there is an absence. I know he is not just out for an errand, it is more. There was a plane ride and a last goodbye at the airport. He hates that I called a last goodbye. As if it were ominous and ending. I was dramatic, but it is the lonely I hate. That and all the work I have to do. Coming home to the quiet when you have been worked to death is gross. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and eat candy. The stores are stacked with the pinks and reds of Valentines. The whole bag full until my teeth hurt and my stomach is swollen. With the sugar in me, I will text him hearts and smiles. Damn Cupid. And pretend I didn't just consume 27 million calories in conversation hearts.

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Blogger Trish Ryan said:

I remember that feeling - I buried myself in potato chips, but it's the same thing.

Retail therapy is one way to go to avoid the lonely apartment, because once you get home, you have THINGS TO DO, such as trying on your new shoes with everything you own. Odd, but it works :)

12:48 PM 

Blogger Jen said:

OK, so I realize that this is a totally serious post about love and loss, and while I don't know much about you or your situation, I just want to say that I am obsessed with conversation hearts. So when the time comes for the stores to start carrying them for V-Day, I will ask that my husband not let me buy them for fear I might OD one afternoon, and then he will find me on the floor of the kitchen, with pinkish sugared foam coming out of my mouth. Dramatic? Yes. But it's a sickness. I eat them until my stomach hurts and my teeth are coated.

That all said, thanks for de-lurking! I've never seen your blog before, so I will have to come back again and see what's what!

2:06 PM 

Blogger e.b. said:

TR: No worries my credit card has seen the stores!

Jen: Oh this was draaaaamatic and not a true loss in that sense. So fear not about the dissertation on the love of the candy hearts. And I too, love, love, love them and always have to read what each says. Cheesy candy goodness.

3:43 PM 

Blogger JustRun said:

Not being one to like chocolate, I don't get much out of the V-day treats. Those hearts, however, are the bestest!
I know the post was not completely about the hearts, but I totally identified. :)

6:15 AM 

Blogger Ally said:

After a long day, I love coming home to the quiet. I love knowing that my apartment is empty and that I can do whatever I want (i.e. eat a bag of conversation hearts--I prefer the boxes for some reason though).

I've found that I've experienced the loneliness you describe when someone is absent or after a loved one leaves. I guess when we spend a lot of time with someone, we develop a dependency of sorts. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm glad Magoo is coming back:)

7:25 AM 

Blogger brookem said:

When's Magoo back?
My favorite are the white ones:)

7:46 AM 

Blogger e.b. said:

I seriously did not know everyone hearted those hearts like I do.

Though, Brookem - I throw the whites in the garbage. Sorry those are kind of disgusting.

He arrives tonight. I have actually grown use to the alone and moved away from the sad. But that was the gut emotion when he left.

8:38 AM 

Blogger brookem said:

ha, to my benefit, i dont think many people like them. they are some wintergreen thing i think. that's good he's back tonight!

10:08 AM 

Blogger acaligurl said:

so glad magoo is coming home. i didn't want you to o.d. on the hearts. white hearts taste like medicine. i like pink hearts. i still have the heart that says marry me from my 1st hubby (ya we got engaged on valentines) the heart is still intact.. has not disinegrated even after 16 years!

1:43 PM 

Blogger e.b. said:

Thanks for the support.

Caligirl: that is too much, I love that the candy is part of the proposal and that I got such a good reaction from all over this. What disturbs me though is that the candy is still intact after all these years - doesn't seem like it all that good to be ingesting or digesting!

10:57 AM 

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