The problem is not the black box I feel that enraptures my skull causing a dull ache and a hate for all things I have to do and people around me. To me, the problem is that this is apparently an unacceptable state to live in. People don't accept it and I don't get shit done. I sit in my office and stare at the screen pretending to review documents for a latent defect that resulted in water intrusion. There is a high possibility that this sensation that has crept over my skull could be caused by those exact words. Or the people who wrote those words. And the only words I can think are who the fuck cares? When it comes down to it every bit of housing and construction is fucked up. In Florida it is humid and it rains. Can't we accept that as a premise instead of litigation as the premise and go from there as a working assumption. Because you assume then that I am out of work as a result. But that would likely be a good scenario to this. If I could just live on what I had and needed. Enough to cover the mortgage, bills and loans with money for groceries. Real groceries not the eating out kind I splurge on now. Like fresh fruit and lentils. I could be good with lentils and likely a tad skinnier too. If I just decided that was how I was going to live. Resolved to do so. I think I wouldn't want more because the more is when I get into trouble. If I keep it simple and never advance and never move on from those wants then I won't be tied to the job and the income, I won't need the more. I won't continuously have more either so I won't continue to want more. There is no moving up - it is level and peaceful and I have to think blissful. Can I do it? If it means I can walk away maybe I can. We as a people can do anything, I just know it. That is how we as a people got into a mess of insurance litigation over stucco. Maybe I can hiatus. The word sounds foreign but not luxurious because it is a street name that runs through the country. But still foreign. Because, can people do things like that? Just take breaks? I can work. I cannot work here doing this. But I can work. Like at the Gap just to earn that money I need. The minimums. Would that resolve this tension and desire to simultaneously scream my head off until my throat is dry and lie on the floor in a t-shirt drinking wine from a plastic cup? Something destructive passed me by today including from the list a fried chicken sandwich at Wendys and a pack of smokes from Walgreens. Instead when I got home I opted for a soup spoon full of chocolate frosting opened from the pantry. A healthy alternative to my choices but not a true solution to the overlying problem. The problem that lays over my head like a thick black box of mush not too dissimilar from the Betty Crocker container now missing a chunk from the middle.
i love your writing in this piece. chocolate icing always makes things a bit better. as does drinking wine in a tee shirt on the floor. screw our jobs and bring on the wine and chocolate.
It's like we're sharing the same brain. I've been literally one foot out the door this entire week. It can be done...so why not? It sounds as though we're in the same profession, too. Jesus. We need a round of shots.
But yeah. I understand so much it's painful.
I've probably said it before....but maybe you could start weaning yourself off; a few months before I quit, I downsized my eating out, quit buying things, and managed to live on about a third of my actual gross pay (if not less; I'm not that good at math). It was sort of like testing things out.
I think when we don't like our jobs/are stressed out, we reward ourselves for keeping on by spending, i.e. "I deserve this $15 lunch; $25 pedicure; $300 suit" and so on. Perhaps when we're not so stressed and more content we won't feel such an urge to buy the expensive shoes, eat the frosting, and generally try to take care of ourselves in way that isn't satisfying or healthy. Just a thought....I'll let you know as I explore living with much less in the next year.
The thing is, if you lived this way and worked at The Gap, living minimally, you eventually get very, very bored with your life.
Maybe you need a day off...
Some days chocolate frosting and a quiet second can make things fall into place again...rather than quitting and working minimum wage maybe you just need a day off, some time just for you to recharge. With frosting and wine if need be or lentils and veggies. Whichever. Hang in there chica! You can do this!
I really enjoyed reading this - I love your writing and yorr style - let's get wasted on wine and frosting:-)
I lived an "I need some chocolate icing cause I'm miserable!" life for a heinous 6 months while working at the Job that Ate my Soul.
Now I work for the minimum - I get by... but I'm happy. Blissfully happy. So ... there's that!
Feel better dar-link!
If working at Gap does bring you inner calm and a Zen like peace, will you let me know? And get me a job at your store?
look, evidently you get an employee discount at the gap. so instead of lawyer power suits, you can wear 33%-off flip flops and denim shorts.
soon, youll be promoted to 'manager' because you'll be smarter than everyone else. then regional manager, and before long, you'll be sent to san francisco to be a gap executive. and god knows, they need help because their same-store sales are way down and their fashion buying choices are awful.
so, im not sure you can escape that easily......
Can't begin to tell how many spoonfulls of chocolate icing or some other choice I've downed myself after days like that. I feel your pain.
Aw, being a lawyer kinda sucks, huh?
I am beginning to think it really does.