In our move I found stacks of old letters and cards. I was a keeper and have a ton of notes, birthday cards and funny memorabilia from the past decade or so. Included in the pile was an un-sent letter in a pink envelope with a teddy bear sticker addressed to Alli my old near and dear friend. I wrote it in college as it was going from my PO Box to hers, a testament of our age and that time in our lives, when we sat in our respective dorm rooms and chatted about everything for hours. The content of the letter is also a testament to a younger me. Something I appear to recognize in the letter and something I feel I actually achieved. In a way the fact that it was unsent was to be destined, as if it were just another journal entry or a letter to myself. Because I prophesize and I would like to think that prophecy came true.
April 24, 1999
Hey Baby. I know I just talked to you this morning, but I really need to get this out. This whole situation with this guy is bothering me to no end. I've already bitched to everyone about it and I know I am annoying but I just can't shake it. This is/was precisely the reason I don't hook up randomly or drunk. I want the guy to call, I want respect and I don't want to be made to feel dirty.
I'm sitting here on a Saturday night and all I can do is think about him and
this fucked up situation and that just pisses me off. I had a great life before this happened and I was a strong minded person - why am I so weak now that I can't even plan a lesson plan? It makes me mad that I can't get over this or do anything. I've called him once (which in my mind is already too much.) I never open myself up because I thought I'd get hurt. When I do, guess what? I got hurt. Whats this going to do for my self esteem? I always thought that I was stronger than this, that I could handle something like this. Which makes me even more upset - that I am not handling the situation as expected.
My final closing thoughts are why the hell can't he just pick up the phone and call me? There is not time not to mention no reason to play games. I feel like he is getting bad advice from one of his immature and retarded fraternity brothers. I can't deal with the bullshit!!!
Please remind me of this letter one day - when we are old. So hopefully I can appreciate what a great life I have and to laugh at my youth. I'm hoping that one day this will seem funny!!!
Thanks for listening and bearing with me.
Love Always - A
The guy I date is about 8 years older than me and he has an even older brother; it's so interesting to hear him tell me stories of when he was young and his brother was a "troubled youth". Now they have both grown up to be successful and handsome men. His previously "troubled" brother is a lawyer with 3 beautiful children. It's like seeing the future even though it is truly the present.
The fact that you don't remember who you were writing about makes me relate to it even more. And I love the line "... and why this situation unravled me just so". "Unravled" is the perfect word for situations like that.
What a find! Quite honestly, that's something that I could have written when I was in college - and I probably did write something that resembles it closely - freaky to find those things, hmm?
The prophecy just shows that even back then you had perspective. But the most important lessons are tough to learn, even when we realize we are learning them.
I sometimes stumble upon past letters that I've received. I always find it strange to read the perspective at that time, knowing what I know now.
I cringed when I opened the letter - the little sticker still in tact - I was so uncertain what I would find. I am glad I can learn and laugh about it now.
That's cute, girl.
I've spent a ton of time recently thinking about why I can't seem to have any kind of real boyfriend ever and, even though I'm not really in a place to have one right now, anyway, I had a lightning bolt realization the other day that a big part of it is probably because I can't imagine any other person in the universe besides myself being worth pining over like that.
I mean, maybe someone is. I just don't believe it.
It's a problem, but I'm glad it's a problem you don't have.
One day that person will hit you and you will get all tingly inside and realize that what you thought was complete but was not truly because they filled it
I have Keds shoe boxes full of letters I have written and received. A 12 year old card written by my best friend predicting that I'd be a lawyer; a boyfriend apologizing for taking me for "granite;" notes passed in class about the cafeteria menu. It's fun and sometimes bittersweet to see what preoccupied our world and mind at one time. And like you said, it's a reminder that time heals all wounds and that what once seemed a disaster was actually a character growing experienced.
Sometimes I had to hold my breath and cringe when I opened them up. Others I couldn't even bear to open - it held wounds I didn't need to re-open.
I'm a little late in responding... been in my own world lately. THIS was something I so needed to read. Despite being close to thirty sometimes there's still the drama - and knowing that someday it will end, that what preoccupies our thoughts today will not, tomorrow, gives me solace. Thanks for sharing this today of all days...