I just got off the phone with a new old friend. I have accumulated lot of friends and most of them are considered to be old by now, you know like from childhood old or even college at this point. Because damn I met those guys 10 years ago. So this one, well he is a newer old friend. We worked together and now that I am gone, we have to test our friendship and put in the real effort to remain friends. So he called me to hold up his end of the bargain and told me he was exiting a day long workshop that our, scratch that, his firm puts on every year. We, again er, he is required to attend to meet and mingle and to do a few other law firm type things. But really it is eight hours in a Marriott that are better spent sticking snot in your eye, because it is just as pointless and equally as painful.
My first year at the conference I had just been dumped. As in four days before. I had the wounds of a newly single person fresh on me. A large conference room with nothing to do for eight hours was not the best environment for a person in my mental state. Really any mental state but others seemed to survive better than I. In those days I needed to stay busy and occupied or else I would think about him. Of course no windows and extreme boredom were no cure for that and I became crazy. So that evening when invited out I over served myself. Or maybe it was just that I had not been eating and had not been going out. He was boring and I put myself on the post break up diet routine. Involuntarily, but I did it. So to make myself feel more comfortable in a group of near strangers and to get over the mental torture I put myself through, I threw back a few Seven & Sevens. And then I got home and threw them all up. I literally made myself sick. I survived seven Mardi Gras without so much as a dry heave. But when life gives you a mind numbing seminar and a break up, you react the only way one should - you vomit three times and pass out. This was monumental at the time, because it had been ions since I upchucked. But I knew it was just my life making me sick and not the actual alcohol. And you know when your life makes you sick things are going pretty freaking well. That maybe you need to reevaluate and calm down. Put the bottle down and take a step back. Really think about your decisions.
So I did all that and decided to get back together with the fool a mere month later. I also decided that no one needed to know of this decision. Of course that is a whole other story. But as I told Shannon the other night, "You know it is a good relationship, when you have to keep it a secret." She totally agreed, "Yeah, this was the best secret relationship I have ever been in." And we both laughed over my mistakes and idiocy. But the thing is, and the conclusion we reached, was that no amount of discussion or prompting was going to change my mind about getting back with him. Clearly even my body rejecting yummy things like Seven & Seven was not going to teach me that lesson. Those are ideas you have to learn and mistakes you need to make on your own. Our friends cannot do it for us. That is the thing about bad relationships. We all get ourselves into them and count on our friends to help us out at the end of them, but the middle is where it gets sticky. We do those things to ourselves and will absolutely not hear it from anyone. Which is why I made that decision not to tell anyone. See if they don't know than they can't tell me all the bad things I am doing. Genius, pure genius. But really, I didn't want to hear it, not from any one and not from my friends. Which is why no matter how many friends you have, older, new or even older, there are certain things you need to do on your own. Even if they are riddled with mistakes. No matter how many friends you have or how well your friends know you, there are certain ideas and mistakes you need to endeavor on your own. It just does not matter what they have to say, you will go out on your limb, knowing they will be there to catch you and say not a word about the trip you just took.
I got this all from a ten minute conversation, but isn't that what friends are for? To remind you of all this and teach it to you one morsel at a time? They are there to keep you up to date, to laugh over your missteps and help you celebrate your now, new, old, blue or gold. They are there to help you remember your past, where you came from and where you are going, even if it is just to lunch on a Wednesday. Because really such plans are exactly how friends stay that way.
Loved this! And I agree, there are just some things you have to learn on your own, even when you have friends trying to tell you otherwise. Glad to know that you DID eventually learn, though it took you a second go around with the guy. (Oh, and secret relationships, I've been there! What the hell do I think the point is if I'm too scared/worried/ashamed to tell anyone I'm dating the guy? Hello redflag!)As for the seven Mardi Gras without a dry heave? You are my type of girl!
somebody was dumb enough to dump a cool chicklet like you? i cant believe it...
Ah yes, the secret relationship. So great. Even the thought of that makes me a little queasy now.
I love the term "over-served" that y'all use. I've heard it several times in the last couple weeks and it's SO becoming part of my vocabulary. Sounds so much better than what I've had to call that, uhhh, feeling in the past. :)
Wow. You've summed up the last 2 months of my conversations with friends. I've been there, done that, and have the scarred self-esteem to go with it. It kills me to see my friends go through the same thing, and I wish I could make them see they are more valuable than any "secret"/crappy relationship, but like you said, sometimes we have to learn for ourselves that we deserve more than that. I think the key is realizing that we DO.
This was my favorite of your posts (so far). So real and honest and well written. ... "so you react the only way one should - you vomit three times and pass out". I've so been there. I have a couple girls with whom I can share all. It's good to have people who know you and say such helpful but simple words. (Like saying secret relationships are the best!) ;)
Ack! I've been there so many times and there is an allure when it comes to secret relationships. Or at least there really was then... right now there's an allure to any relationship haha
Isn't it just so funny that it can be so hard to keep in touch with old/new friends? Life can get in the way....but friends are life, I guess we forget that sometimes.
p.s. thank GOD for not having to be at that conference this time around eh? :)
brandy - I really thought that if I did not talk about it with people then I would not overanalyze it and then things would sail along merrily. That is not exactly how you go about getting things to sail.
dreaming - thanks! no, really that was swell.
justrun - I stole from my friend so you are more than welcome to it.
K - I know that my friends opinions matter, which is also why I kept it hush-hush because eventually their super smart voices get into my head.
Desiree - Thank you. It is nice to have those friends to count on.
bre - Totally part of the problem so totally freaking part of the problem!
Mel - the list of who I cannot keep/get in touch with is way too long it makes me sad.
But really it was AWESOME hearing about the conference and knowing I was not there.
i loved this too. and i thought i commented on it yesterday, oops. sorry about that. very well written and so relateable.
another great post eb.
gawd... don't cha love the secret relationships? hee hee
dude was a dumb dumb to leave you. but you already know that!!!
anyways magoo is the man.
A secret relationship? Oh my God, do you know I could NEVER do that? It sounds really sexy, but I'd be, like, five minutes into it and then fuck it all up by blogging about how awesome a secret it was and then it would be all over.
Although a similar lesson I learned a few months ago is that when everyone absolutely hates your man and thinks he's a total asshole, go with that. Just. Go. With. That.
I'm thankful I don't have my own bad relationships to share. Unfortunately I've seen this movie played out too many times (often by the same people) and it makes me very sad. On another note, your drinking records make you my new hero.
i recently spent four days trapped in a marriot for similar reasons. staring at the paisley carpet during lectures was making my head spin already, so i stayed away from the alcohol. but i've been through a breakup like that in the past, and i'm pretty sure it would've taken far less than paisley to make me hurl back then.
I feel so lucky to have a best friend who I've known since I was in diapers; she helps me learn from my mistakes and realize when I'm making mistakes too. I'm still amazed by the stupid relationship choices we each made. But now we get to have fun conversations about what silly choices we used to make---as if now we are all grown up and too smart to make dumb choices:)