October 23, 2006

I dreamt last night that I was being courted away from Magoo. The details are fuzzy. I was at a hotel and being seduced by Rhett Freeland, a real person I went to high school with. I had a major crush on him in early high school. I am certain he never knew. I would even drive by his house, for unknown reasons. What would I have done if I actually saw him? Ahhh the mind of a teenage girl. No clue where he came from in my dreamworld either. I saw him a few years ago after law school at the bar exam. So I know he is an attorney in South Florida, that is it. Like I said we were never friends and he rarely paid attention to my existence.

But he was there in my dream telling me everything would be better with him. He didn't know Magoo per se or even anything about our relationship. He just wanted to court me in a self-ish, I am so good looking way. We were building up to having sex, through flirting, touching and talking. Those early moments in new relationships where everything was new and fun. There was excitement. Hey, it was flattering, I had a huge crush on him. But on top of that there was guilt. I felt awful. I kept thinking about Magoo and how I betrayed him. I even rehearsed a break up speech.

Then I realized how people do it, I began to justify to myself why it was okay. Seriously, that must be how people maintain extra-marital affairs. I told myself that I needed to see how this felt with Rhett, as a way to best judge what I wanted from Magoo and I. That I was doing this for the betterment of us. That there were issues in our relationship and maybe a relationship with Rhett would not have these same issues. It all felt new, fresh and good. So it had to be right?

Then reality, oh and guilt, all seeped through. God who thinks that cheating is going to help a relationship? I was on my way to convincing myself of such. Irony doesn't even cover that. Even in the delirium of the dream, I had these rational thoughts. Then the reality, Rhett probably does not want to date me, this is probably just a chase for him. Even if we did start a relationship, there are issues that we would have too, ones that don't rear their heads until several months into the relationship. Things you don't know about a person early on. Don't you love how self doubt plagues you, even in your dreams, when you are courted by a sexy man?

And I was there torn. I was on an elevator heading toward Rhett, probably for some sex, but that is the last thing I remember. I woke up. Really disturbed. So many things raced through my mind. Would I have cheated on him? In my dreams? In reality? Do I want to? Or was this just a manifestation of how I am supposed to handle those problem issues in my relationship. In that I am NOT supposed to cheat. Ones that have been weighing on me recently. Knowing how bad I felt for cheating and recognizing it as an unrealistic option, for 97 different reasons. Seeing how awful I felt and thinking about how it would hurt him, I know I am meant to stick it out and deal with these issues in a healthy mature way. Not by cheating. Like we all know, that if you have to cheat, there are serious issues in your present relationship. Either deal with them or get out. You are doing no one good by staying and cheating.

It gave me a peak into the mind of an adulterer. How people cheat. Which is something I know Magoo has zero tolerance for, not that we all don't or shouldn't. But it really showed me how people get there and stay there for that matter. In some ways one stray move is easy to see, but a relationship and consistent contact is harder to justify. Yet, I saw myself doing it. I foresaw a relationship with this Rhett character, at least until I got the courage to dump Magoo. I doubt the guilt ever disappears, you just learn to suppress it and push it down, further and further. Like not thinking about what goes on in Iraq on a daily basis or how you need to get your teeth cleaned. It is easy as humans to chose to ignore things, especially those you don't want to see. Those things would be your affect on a human life and on your relationship. That has to be how affairs last for years. You become numb and then find it easy to live with the decision. You no longer consider guilt as a real emotion. All of those important signs and feelings suppressed. Those ideals you know exist, are buried, making it impossible to be rational or see the true story. That to me, is why it should not even be entered into in the first place. A loss of self and values coupled with the loss of relationship.

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