I tend to think the only reality is that there is a ton of bull shit. Sort of like that death and taxes thing. Well here in law firm land, bull shit is a guarantee. I have seen them manipulate and control others before. There is a pathology. People are forced out for make believe reasons. Issues are tossed about with transparent contradictions. One day it is this and the next day it is not. We question whether there are souls or hearts present. See I did it here. Harsh, no doubt, but that is what we are privy to. Perceptions get you pretty far. We are litigators trained to read people. What I see is what I have to believe. Those impressions are lasting, for damn sure. These actions are not helping that perception one bit.
I get to go off my gut also. On this one I pull the woman card, we have intution. Trust me we really do. If I don't think they are genuine true words, I am not going to be persuaded. Plus you may not believe mine. So we are even. I have to watch my back, just like you look out for your own. My instincts tell me to do that, among other things. Protect and defend. If I don't, I am pretty sure no one else will. Hey, and if I am wrong, what did I really lose? I have secured borders and a tight fortress. All it leaves me with is protection. Apparently what else it leaves me with, is strength and leverage. Who knew? Bonus for me. See, look at that, I didn't really lose anything at all. It got me mystery and intrigue. I kept my walls so well secured, it was difficult to read me. So that when it came time to defend and explain (why my billables were up to par) i was able to pull from a litany of stories. No one could question the truth. It helped me gain the upper hand. I don't get a tirade, ranting and threats and my cards are not on the table. Notta one of them. I keep a close watch on that heart of mine, I keep my eyes wide open all the time....Looking pretty good from over here. That Cash man was right and it is not always love that we have to protect.
I have every right to do that. My gut tells me not to handle it any other way. I should not be criticized for keeping things private. "Really, you want to be my psycotherapist? Why as my boss would you want that role?" I swear they asked to be and even lectured on my need for them to assume that role. Could things be more bizzare? "As a sign of respect and decorum we would avoid that." On my end I think, about that trust issue, why play into it? Open up to them and give them personal information. Not only would I not get these benefits, but I know it will be used against me in a later date. Who needs that? It is called personal for a reason.
How freaking paranoid does all that garbage sound? Well it is the reality of this life and most lawyers lives. I am certain. You've seen The Firm. Sure it is not thaaaaat bad....but where did all that material come from? John Grisham was a practicing lawyer. There is reality in it all. There is no trustworthiness. None. Where that characteristic is inherent in a family structure, it is noticeably absent here. Despite their best efforts to mock a familial existence. Newest resemblence, wanting to be my sister and a support structure. In a family you have to work really hard to wreck the trust. Really hard. Here you have to work really hard and you will probably never get the trust. How ass backward, huh? It makes for a unique environment. Fun and jovial. Young and interesting. There are people there to lean on. Really there are and I do trust them. We call those people friends a/k/a associates. But there is a secret ugly underbelly. And that is where the uniqueness lays. That is why this office and this job are fundamentally different and bizarre. That is why we get crazy ass stories and piles of bull shit.
Labels: J.O.B.
