I hate that expression learning curve. What the fuck is a learning curve? Does it mean there is a curve that I have to get over to learn? Do I need to learn how to curve? What curve is it? Is it a hump? Is is a good thing? A bad thing? I don't fucking understand it. And I can't stand how it is thrown in my face daily. I want to take the curve and boomerang it back into their mouth. How is that for a curve? Did you learn anything from it?
I feel new and peanut butter and jelly-ish. I feel sticky and uncomfortable. I don't know where I belong. It is too early to cry at least with the door open. Some would say it is not worth crying about. But the unease and the gas forming an anxiety bulge in my stomach are worth the tears. I fixed the ergonomics problem. Maybe it was feng shui. I think it was both. I felt cramped, ugly, and uncomfortable. It helped make me feel less claustrophobic and less paranoid. Who can sit with their back to the door? How very Sopranos of me. It just irks me. What I can't fix is not knowing. What I am doing. If they like me. When I will eff up (because I will, we all do at some point). And why I have to eat alone. Like the new kid in kindergarten style, I sit alone and make miserable decisions about where to eat, what to eat, and if I will do it alone. Again. No that's not kindergarten. There everyone was your friend. You sat in circles and shared and your only worry was who got the red sleeping mat. This is not kindergarten, this is hating high school. Those uncomfortable awkward times when you didn't know a person and felt alienated. Which I didn't, so I guess ten years later I get initiated. It is never to late.
Which is funny because getting here felt like rush. Smiles and fake noises meant to impress. "I love your shoes" now translates that they like me. But 90 bucks at Charles David does not count, it says nothing about me. And I was told it is superficial and a sign of someone who does not want to get to know you, the real you, the one beyond you and the pointy black patent pumps. The magic is, that person is now here, working down the hall. Reminding me of these ideas and where I came from. Amazing when life does that to you. A little circle of a reminder of god's way of showing you that life works itself out, that it has a meaning and purpose. It helps to know that everything will be ironed out. That there is a place and time. Mine will come and I will feel more secure in it. More at home and welcomed. Like high school really was for me. That, with time, I will see things from her eyes and the way they were back then when I was less stuck. Maybe this is the learning curve. Probably not though and to be honest I don't really care. Fuck the learning curve.
Labels: Breathing, J.O.B., Last Life
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JustRun said:
Ahhh, being the new kid on the block. The feeling is never comfortable, but at least it's temporary.
As for the learning curve, I'm actually all for it. Not to say there's any importance to it, it's just my reminder that things get easier and really, what I'm all about is things getting easier. ;)- 9:53 AM
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Mel said:
If I had a dime for every time someone at my job told me about their "learning curve".....even if it's true it really doesn't make you feel better hearing it.
Sounds like you are on the right track for things to get better though...and true, FUCK the learning curve. :)- 10:19 AM
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megabrooke said:
I guess it's good to think that hopefully things from here can only go up. Soon there will be a new, NKOTB, and you can compliment their shoes. Hang in there!
- 10:50 AM
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anne said:
I hope you are all right. The encouragement helps. Each day gets better and I am DYING to not be the new one any longer. Dying.
- 12:52 PM
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said:
If it makes you feel any better, I got jumped by four girls the first week of high school.
Something about being a stuck-up bitch. I was wearing Prada boots with a Catholic school uniform, which, like, of course they jumped me.
I got out without a scratch, but I got expelled, too, and I spent the next few months sad and terrified of everyone at my new school.
Then I made some friends and I ended up homecoming queen *and* valedictorian. I was voted best-looking *and* best-dressed in my yearbook for both junior and senior years. It was great.
So, you know, sometimes, you have to secretly cry a lot and pretend you're not deathly afraid of everyone before things start working out really well.
You'll be fine! Promise! Just keep your panties on!- 1:15 PM
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Natalie said:
Hang in there!! You'll be fine!! To me, "learning curve" means "just when you think things can't get harder, they get easier". For you, that should be any day now...
For some reason, your site knows my real name and won't let me change it to my blogger name. That's cool though.
~m.b.- 1:38 PM
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Paige Jennifer said:
Okay, I totally use that 'learning curve' term. But in the context of my mother and father. When they continue to due stupid crap, piss me off and not understand why I'm pissed.
You are totally NOT my parents. So clearly the term is being misused.
Hang in there. Eventually you will OWN the place.- 1:44 PM
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Ryane said:
Yes, hang in there. That's the funny thing about curves--just when you think you are at the bottem and won't ever possibly make it to the top of the slope, you somehow find yourself on the otherside...no longer wondering.
It will get easier and in the meantime--new CD shoes can't ever really be a bad thing, can they? And, the new kid gets a certain amount of leeway and latitude w/projects, and etc. USE all of the latitude afforded you to learn all that you can during this new time. (I hope that didn't sound preachy...not my intent!)- 5:12 AM
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said:
thanks for stopping by my blog :)
who ever started the lame phrase "learning curve" anyway? lame! and eating alone...oh how it sucks.- 2:18 PM
